restless

this was suppose to be last night but failed to publish it.... anyway... this is very inspiring... 

6:10PM  i left my cigarettes at home. it's ok. no problem. i usually have one before first set, another sometime in between and another after dinner. but yeah... what is a few hours... 

7:46PM I'm getting restless. i will not buy. nope. i will not succumb to this urge. this is all a state of mind really.

9:00PM after dinner. ok... i can do this. rhum n coke plzzzzz

11:16PM on our way home now. i survived!!! hehe but the grumpiness is quite noticeable. but am smiling right now. it is all in the mind. i am just naturally stubborn and rebellious that's all. even to myself. 

1:06AM my 3rd cigarette before bed. like OMG! stop! 

3:06AM i am going to bed... i am technically in bed... i just haven't decided to go to sleep just yet. so now is the time. i am not gonna say how many i had but i lit one more at this point. so good morning.... 

thoughts? i am such a stubborn b****!

a horrible excuse for an excuse

i'm a lazy ass. i could sit around all day doing nothing but sit. watch tv all day. fiddling on my phone all day. sitting or lying in bed for hours. that's what happens when one is nocturnal. i am active during the dark hours. :D hehehe so what does it take for me to jump up and get out of the house? an empty pack of cigarette :p works everytime. so there i was foraging my used shorts for change... i am in desperate need of change. wow... that kinda hit me right there... desperate need of change... but anyway... so am looking for some change right coz i don't want my bills broken up or they'd be all gone by the end of the day. get what i mean? ok, whatever. so found the change i need, walked under the noon sun to the store and bought a pack. that's quite a workout for me right there, yeah? and not very hard at all. as oppose to slowly getting up off the couch to reach for the remote coz the volume's too low or got to change that channel. i got to thinking, if running out of cigarettes would make me an active person during the day and do a bit of walking under the sun, i should do that more often. haha yeah, that is a horrible excuse isn't it. but that's actually what i have been doing for quite sometime and given that i am that stupid, i didn't really give much thought about it until of late. which means right now. coz the last time that happened was minutes ago.

thought of the day. i gotta stop giving myself all these excuses. being a lazy ass is a choice. i choose to be idle most of the day and so is with smoking. so if i can choose to do something, then i can choose to stop whatever it is. coz if i don't, time would be irrelevant coz it's all about life span now...

so it begins...

just lighted my first cigarette before going to bed. i usually have 3 or 4 before going to sleep but i am seriously thinking of making it 2 today. i have been thinking about this blog all night and what i was gonna write when i get home. and it's funny... should i really be writing about my daily smoking routine all throughout this blog? that's kinda crazy.... but then again i am not that normal. so i gez that's not impossible. 

on our way to work today, a high school kid crossed the street with a lit cigarette on his hand. just right outside the school premises... i know, right? i was thinking, i never did that... he was probably 13 or 14 and to think about it now, smoking habit in general has really gone that bad. and people ignore it coz it has become so common. Sin Tax bill is good then. making all these cigarettes expensive should control all the smoking going on. Kids just smoke because they think it's cool and they buy their cigarettes out of their allowance. it has always been a rule for me to support my vice. even in college i never use my allowance to buy it. i always use my own money coz i was working already. not that i am encouraging kids to work so they can buy their cigarettes coz it doesn't sound really right, right? am just saying if you decide to indulge into some vice make sure you can afford it. i know i may not have the right to be sad about it but i am sad at how things are. it should be a good inspiration for me to do it this time. to really quit. believe me i have attempted so many times already. 

so final thoughts for the day... i realized that i have not been a very good example. i am that person who ignored what is common and trivial. even if i know it is wrong i let it pass. it shouldn't be like that. so i will start with myself and hope that i will be able to set a good example in the near future. 

first entry is usually very random...

I didn't smoke this morning when i woke up. I usually do. It's more like a routine than an urge. Like a morning ritual. Coffee... one of my best friends. I am sure I would offend a couple of people if i say shrigs and coffee are my two bestest friends. First one is trying to kill me and the latter is trying to make me feel enthusiastic about it... really great friends :D 

so how did i start smoking? like anything else... curiosity. Curiosity does kills the cat, doesn't it? :) then it became a refuge. a constant companion when no one is there. and it is very often. Call it addiction if you will. Hooked. It is not healthy... in fact i know it is fatal to me and everyone around me. so why? coz i am stupid :p when you know it is wrong and you do it anyway, it is stupidity. but i used to say, well i still do, boring ang life kung di mag-abusar ug ginagmay. well it's just me... hehe

so today i didn't have my morning shrig. but it doesn't mean tomorrow i won't. and i am pretty sure after lunch i will. haha u may think i am proud of myself now but i am certainly not. i still hide when i smoke. coz i hate questioning eyes and i hate interviews like why do you smoke? when did you start? OMG! you smoke? and some just smirks :p but anyway there are those who look at me with admiration like Oh my God she smokes... that's kind of stupid coz how can you admire someone who is killing herself? smoking is bad! it is bad people. and i should be listening to myself. hehe so why write this blog when i still hide? ummmm i am not very sure... mebbe for the simple reason of needing to get out there. and be open for some help i gez. 

so till my next posting... and hope someone reads this coz it wud be such a waste if no one does... :p haha *texting friends*